When Your Ex is Everywhere You Want to Be

One of the hardest aspects of living in a blended family is sharing. There are only so many special occasions and milestones to go around in a family. Divvying up family time for children of divorced parents becomes quite challenging. This is especially true when one parent has extreme emotional needs and few venues for joy in life outside of the children and grandchildren.

A needy parent essentially sabotages their child's relationships with anyone else who wants to be a part of that life; such as spouses, in-laws, exes, steps and maybe even friends.  An adult child must feel enormous guilt and grief as they repeatedly accommodate a dominating parent.

Take heart, underdogs, patience is a virtue. It's human nature to grow resentful when burdened by uncontrollable obligations.

In the name of love, the mature and gracious will reconcile their disadvantaged position in the blended family, and appreciate what little family time is relegated to them. The kids will appreciate the respect shown to them.

Hang in there... be happy... and thank God you have venues for joy outside your children's lives. All good relationships are luxuries, not necessities.

Empathy Comes with Maturity

It was at the Jersey Shore Memorial Day parade where an epiphany occurred to me about family life. It was while watching an exhausted two-year-old navigate the excitement of small town patriotism on Main Street when I had this awakening.

The mother of the young child was visibly annoyed and clearly hurt by her toddler's seemingly defiant desire to be with his dad.  For a baby, that's basic instinct.

One can't fault a toddler for seeking comfort from one parent over another.

For a grown-up to favor one loving parent over the other loving parent... well, that's a different story. That behavior is selfish and unkind. Although divorce does have a tendency to alter decorum.

"Daughters and mothers are closer, in general," or "Everyone has a different relationship," or "I can't stand your wife," an adult child may muse, in an attempt to justify a discrepancy in timesharing between parents.

People must make all sorts of efforts and concessions in life. Newly married couples try to accommodate both sides of the extended family and attempt to divvy up holidays, start new traditions and be fair, despite the inconvenience and less than desirable circumstances.

It would seem to me that adult children of divorced parents have to work a little harder at balancing the fray. Not offering each parent an equal opportunity and place of honor at a major milestones, or even minor occasions, exasperates divide.

I wanted to commiserate with the young mother, and acknowledge how painful it is for a parent to feel that rejection from a child. I wanted to articulate that the baby doesn't know better; that empathy occurs much later in development.

Blood is Thinner than Love

Have you ever heard the expression, "Blood is thicker than water?" Of course you have. Apparently, it's a German proverb, which extols the merits of family solidarity. Well, I grew up with a sassier version of the old adage, and I can still hear my mother say it in a resigning tone, "Blood is thicker than mud." Leave it to the Irish to add cynicism to a condescending cliché.

Every time I hear someone say the maxim, I contemplate the meaning of mud vs. water. I opine that mud imputes a derogatory tone about family covenants. A sticky implication of a family's visceral unity, despite truth or reason.

As modern definitions of family are expanded, debated and get further away from common blood, the righteously indignant strain becomes increasingly diluted. Blood is thinner than love and devotion.

"Step-Mom" Still Carries a Stigma

Blended has replaced step when describing modern families, and people generally seem more accepting of the term.  With an influx of single women having babies, the onset of gay families, and couples opting to live together rather than marry, myriad non-traditional family relationships are common. 

The term blended seems to be all encompassing, and carries less negative connotations than step.  But the mother of all negative step-words is ... wait for it ... step-mother.  Don't we know it?  It is my least favorite title in life, and Wild Willy's eldest daughter still thinks I am the spawn of Satan (LOL, love that term) even after twenty years. 

The good bloghusband forwarded this informative article about the changing structures of non-traditional families, and the evil stepmothers that lurk within.  Oddly, step-families are almost considered traditional nowadays.