When Your Ex is Everywhere You Want to Be

One of the hardest aspects of living in a blended family is sharing. There are only so many special occasions and milestones to go around in a family. Divvying up family time for children of divorced parents becomes quite challenging. This is especially true when one parent has extreme emotional needs and few venues for joy in life outside of the children and grandchildren.

A needy parent essentially sabotages their child's relationships with anyone else who wants to be a part of that life; such as spouses, in-laws, exes, steps and maybe even friends.  An adult child must feel enormous guilt and grief as they repeatedly accommodate a dominating parent.

Take heart, underdogs, patience is a virtue. It's human nature to grow resentful when burdened by uncontrollable obligations.

In the name of love, the mature and gracious will reconcile their disadvantaged position in the blended family, and appreciate what little family time is relegated to them. The kids will appreciate the respect shown to them.

Hang in there... be happy... and thank God you have venues for joy outside your children's lives. All good relationships are luxuries, not necessities.

Empathy Comes with Maturity

It was at the Jersey Shore Memorial Day parade where an epiphany occurred to me about family life. It was while watching an exhausted two-year-old navigate the excitement of small town patriotism on Main Street when I had this awakening.

The mother of the young child was visibly annoyed and clearly hurt by her toddler's seemingly defiant desire to be with his dad.  For a baby, that's basic instinct.

One can't fault a toddler for seeking comfort from one parent over another.

For a grown-up to favor one loving parent over the other loving parent... well, that's a different story. That behavior is selfish and unkind. Although divorce does have a tendency to alter decorum.

"Daughters and mothers are closer, in general," or "Everyone has a different relationship," or "I can't stand your wife," an adult child may muse, in an attempt to justify a discrepancy in timesharing between parents.

People must make all sorts of efforts and concessions in life. Newly married couples try to accommodate both sides of the extended family and attempt to divvy up holidays, start new traditions and be fair, despite the inconvenience and less than desirable circumstances.

It would seem to me that adult children of divorced parents have to work a little harder at balancing the fray. Not offering each parent an equal opportunity and place of honor at a major milestones, or even minor occasions, exasperates divide.

I wanted to commiserate with the young mother, and acknowledge how painful it is for a parent to feel that rejection from a child. I wanted to articulate that the baby doesn't know better; that empathy occurs much later in development.